Grace - True American Greatness

Being a Person of Grace

Acting from Our Larger Selves

Grace has its own Critical Topics section, as well as being referenced in “Larger Selves”, because it is so important to being effective citizens – and because it is an unusual topic when discussing being an effective citizen of a diverse democracy.

The focus is not on a god’s grace, but rather on the grace that we extend to ourselves and others as we make our way in the world. It is key to our ability to act from our larger selves and be effective citizens of a democracy vs. subjects of an authoritarian regime. Grace is actually irrelevant for subjects of an authoritarian regime.

What’s Here?

What is Grace
Qualities and Behaviors of Grace
Actions that Model and Build Grace
Preparing to Act with Grace – One Example

Catch Your Thoughts At Any Time

I. What is Grace?

Grace (human) is the capacity to respond to others—and oneself—with unearned kindness, mercy, dignity, patience, and generosity, especially under strain or offense.

Grace is about us as individuals and who/how we choose to be. Grace is a key part of living and acting from our larger selves.

Grace not only calls on our best, Grace also extends that best to those who need it most. Grace is one of the most challenging parts of our larger selves because it is given without being earned.

Grace is not transactional. Others don’t earn our kindness, patience or generosity. We simply give it without expecting anything back or any specific outcomes. Grace is not a form of currency that can be exchanged for anything.

Grace does not depend on the context – on having a friendly environment. And our grace can be resented, judged or rejected. It can even be met with anger and violence.

Grace is also a central quality of citizens in a successful diverse democracy. It is a large part of the universal common ground on which we can stand together vs. be split by our differences. Grace counters the fear of others and the destructive behaviors that the fear of others generates. Grace, however, does not mean that we should tolerate or accept the unacceptable nor should we fail to hold people accountable for destructive actions. This is true in general, and it is particularly true for people in power – people we trust to act with character and competence.

Grace counters the gravitational pull toward dwelling in the realm of negativity, superiority, and judgment- and that gravitational pull is strong and tough to counter. But failing to counter that gravitational pull and ending up acting from our smaller selves only makes us part of the problem, not the solution.

Grace helps us see what is present vs. being focused on what’s missing
Grace helps us focus on and talk about what’s right vs. what’s wrong
Grace helps us avoid judging and blaming others and dwelling on mistakes
Grace helps us see people vs. caricatures
Grace provides common ground on which to stand and relate to each other

Grace fits seamlessly with the other four aspects of our larger selves

We act from a sense of significance
We call on our courage
We persevere
We call on our resilience
We act from a posture of grace (toward ourselves and toward others)

II. Qualities and Behaviors of Grace

The qualities of grace as well as behaviors that demonstrate grace help to define it as well as provide guidance in acting from our larger selves – qualities and behaviors worth stretching for. And noting the qualities and behaviors that show a lack of grace can make it very clear when we are inhabiting and acting from our larger selves vs. our smaller selves.

The goal is to build on the qualities and behaviors of grace that we currently exhibit and expand or add new qualities and behaviors. We can also focus on decreasing the existence of the qualities and behaviors that are opposite to grace. We have a surprising number of opportunities each day to do both. It is critical to remember that acting with grace is a very tough challenge and we must approach it by building on our strengths. Grace supports our larger selves, but it also requires our larger selves – the courage, perseverance, resilience and connections we have.

Please note. The qualities and behaviors listed below are examples. Feel free to add, edit, or refine the lists so that they fit you and your approach to being a person of grace.

Core Qualities and Behaviors of Grace

Grace is strength expressed gently

Quality	Description
Unconditional	Not dependent on performance or worth
Generous	Gives more than is required
Merciful	Responds to failure or disappointment with compassion
Patient	Endures frustration without harshness
Humble	Does not seek superiority or dominance
Restorative	Aims to heal and empower, not punish
Forgiving	Without minimizing harm done
Thoughtful	Judicious without being judgmental
Kind	Empathic, compassionate, caring, considerate
Peace-making	De-escalates rather than inflames or retaliates
Respectful	Preserves dignity, even in disagreement

Characteristics and Behaviors Opposite of Grace

Diminishes self and others

Opposite Quality	Meaning
Harshness	Excessive severity or rigidity
Legalism	Worth determined solely by rules or performance
Contempt	Treating others as lesser and beneath dignity
Retribution	Desire to punish or “get back at” rather than restore
Pride	Moral superiority and self-righteousness
Impatience	Intolerance for human limitation or unmet needs
Cruelty	Indifference to suffering
Weaponizing Truth	Intent to wound or destroy
Withholding	Hurting or controlling others
Diminishing Others	Shaming or Humiliating – Often as bullying
Shame-based judgment	Treating people as problems not persons

III. Actions that Model and Build Grace

“So, what might Grace look like as we create the common ground and solidarity required to successfully take on the challenges we face?” That is a question we are all called to answer as we commit to being courageous citizens and carry forward the American experiment in democracy. We must find our own answers, but there are some broad guidelines that can help – keeping in mind that this is a matter of extending Grace to others and to ourselves.

#1 We act with humility. This does not make us smaller. It simply lowers defensiveness and aggression and creates room for learning as well as common ground. We can say to ourselves:

“I may be partially wrong about this.”
“I may not have the full story, and I might not have all the relevant information.”
“My ‘side’ is capable of error too.”
“I know the goal, but not all the actions to attain it.”

#2 We exercise patience and restraint, and allow room for answers to evolve. Most of the significant issues we work on are complex, not easily understood, and are both hard to define and even harder to find the right path to solutions. Acting with Grace can counter the natural need for solutions or certainty, which set the stage for simplistic understanding and answers, reactivity, seeing differences as threatening, and “my way or the highway” behavior. Acting from Grace leads us to:

Ask questions to truly understand perceptions, assumptions, beliefs, values, and needs.
Get past the need for certainty and simplistic thinking driven by fear and doubt.
Leave room for missteps, mistakes, or wrong approaches, on the path.
Refuse to inflame issues, humiliate others or collectively blame others

#3 We act from a base of emotional intelligence or maturity. We face a lot of challenges that have serious consequences, involve a great deal of unknown and uncertainty, and put a lot of pressure on relationships. These challenges can affect (positively and negatively) us on intellectual, emotional, physical, social, and spiritual levels. In terms of the emotional level, acting from Grace can lead to good answers to four key questions:

“As I engage with these people about this issue what emotions am I likely to experience?”
“How will I manage my emotions to bring my best – making sure that my emotions don’t manage me?”
“What emotions are others likely to experience as we engage this issue?”
“What can I do to protect our relationships by enhancing the positive emotions and minimizing or mitigating the negative emotions?”

#4 We act from a base of empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand and authentically share at least some of the experience of others. It provides a bridge and common ground as well as guiding our actions from wisdom vs. fear or ignorance. The pursuit of answers or agreements without empathy is a path to mediocrity, a lack of sustainability, and probably damaged relationships. Empathy is central to Grace and four questions can build a base of empathy in setting where important contentious issues are at play.

“What fear or anxiety is driving people in regard to this issue?”
“What do people hope to achieve and what do they want to prevent?
“What life experiences have shaped them and led them to this point?”
“What do we legitimately share?”

#5 We challenge others and repair or recover where necessary. We can challenge people and hold them accountable without diminishing them – and that will be necessary when taking on the tough challenges we face. We will also make mistakes and sometimes suffer and inflict wounds – they are unavoidable when taking on big tough complex issues and we will need to recover from them. Doing so with Grace means that we:

Challenge or criticize ideas or actions without diminishing or dehumanizing people.
Challenge people when they do not do what they said they would do or when their actions don’t match their words.
Take responsibility for our own missteps or mistakes and apologizing authentically.
Take direct actions to repair relationships that have been damaged or rebuild trust that has been lost

Grace is specific to individuals and settings, so this is not a recipe for Grace. They are just examples or guidelines to be adapted.

“Grace has been defined as the outward expression of the inner harmony of the soul.”

William Hazlitt

IV. Preparing to Act with Grace – One Approach

For most of us acting with true grace is a stretch. Not for everyone, but for most of us. This is largely a matter of degree because most people who will genuinely take on the challenge of acting with grace consistently and in depth are already kind, patient, forgiving, and generous. But, in all honesty, grace asks us to transcend the norms and that takes commitment and discipline. It takes finding and developing grace within our larger selves.

One way to start that process is to “start small”, but start with a focus on a few specific likely scenarios and prepare ahead of time to act with grace – regardless of what is encountered.

Identify 2-3 scenarios where you might be tested in the next week – could be face-to-face, consuming the news, etc. Note. This can include interactions with like-minded people that reinforce stereotypes, negativity, “us/them” definitions and splits, etc.
What do you anticipate in terms of others’ behaviors that could trigger a response that is not one of grace?
What would your behavior from a source of grace look like? (might take a lot of discipline to get this)
What would your behavior from a place lacking in grace look like? (Might be an automatic response or even a justified response – have to remember that grace is not earned or justified, it is simply given)
“Contract” with someone to support you in making the desired response – ahead of time, in the moment, and/or after the event.
Learn from each experience and acknowledge the strength developing

This works over time and with experience – and it gets easier. The idea is to develop as a person of grace over time. A few people naturally come from a deep base of grace. Most of us do not and we have to consciously work at it in a disciplined fashion over time.

It works best if we do it with 1-3 other people and it works best if we remember that it’s worth it – significantly deepening our larger selves and positioning us better to be effective citizens and carrying the American experiment forward.There are lots of people involved in advocacy – in lots of different ways. There are people on the front lines of advocacy. There are lots of people supporting them and the advocacy process. There are also people in positions of power who need to be influence, guided, and supported in achieving the desired outcomes.

“You have the power to always lead with grace, even if others don't.”

Unknown

Example – My Challenge

One of the biggest challenges in developing this website is the series of insights that naturally occur, and which require me to change, grow, get outside my comfort zone, etc. Realizing that grace is a foundational part of acting from our larger selves has been one of those moments. I am not a person who has developed my ability to act toward either myself or others with enough grace. Grace has not been a concept that has been in my consciousness and it has not been part of my self-image or aspirations. It is now, but it’s a consistent challenge.

Acting consistently with grace, particularly in situations of conflict, is really tough and I will be a “work in progress” for a long time. And it will take a strong commitment along with courage, perseverance, resilience and connecting with others to be successful. I will definitely be outside my comfort zone and often disappointed by my ability to consistently demonstrate grace (toward myself or others).

Where I come up short – where my natural reactions are not those of grace – probably focus in particular in the areas of feelings of contempt/judgement, a sense of moral superiority and self-righteousness. My shortcomings also include seeing others as acting from their small selves, wanting an authoritarian to take care of them, avoiding big tough intimidating challenges and focusing on smaller challenges and bullying others (immigrants, trans kids, banning library books, etc.).

But, at least I am now “in the game” and striving to model being a person that extends Grace to others – and to himself.

Examples of the little voices in my head (when I am paying attention):

“I can’t believe that I did that again (behaviors counter to grace).” Too many of my natural reactions are lacking in grace and they are automatic. I really do need to call on my courage and pay attention even though I won’t always like what I see.

“Yes, that was good, That’s what I want. That was harder than I thought, but it was worth the effort.”

“I can’t believe how easy it is to slip into my smaller self – guess I’m human – and I need/want to do better.”

“It’s amazing to me how important it has been to connect with others for support, challenge, and inspiration. But it only takes 2-3 people to make all the difference.”

“I am making a little headway, and some things get easier, so I guess I simply need to maintain my focus and ‘hold the course’.”

“But it’s hard to give up judging others (those different from me) and it’s really hard to simply extend grace rather than have people earn it. It’s really really really hard to remember that grace is about me and my willingness to give it rather than others’ somehow deserving it.”

“I have to consciously choose to get outside my comfort zone in order to get better at acting from grace and that’s always a conscious choice – although my comfort zone does grow with practice.”