Grace has its own Critical Topics section because it is so important to being effective citizens – and because it is an unusual topic when discussing being an effective citizen of a diverse democracy. The focus is not on a god’s grace, but rather on the grace that we extend to ourselves and others as we make our way in the world. It is key to our ability to act from our larger selves to be effective citizens of a democracy vs. subjects of an authoritarian regime that replaces our democracy.
The daunting question is, “What can I do as an individual when so many of the challenges we face require systemic solutions and rely on organizations and larger groups for obvious effective action?”
We tend to give away our power – and our responsibility. Focusing on acting from our larger selves is the antidote. And grace is one of the core components of our larger selves.
Grace (human) is the capacity to respond to others—and oneself—with unearned kindness, mercy, dignity, patience, and generosity, especially under strain or offense.
Grace is about us as individuals and who/how we choose to be. Grace is a key part of living and acting from our larger selves.
Grace not only calls on our best, it extends that best to those who need it most. Grace is one of the most challenging parts of our larger selves because it is given without being earned.
Grace is not transactional. Others don’t earn our kindness, patience or generosity. We simply give it without expecting anything back or any specific outcomes. Grace is not a form of currency that can be exchanged for anything.
Grace does not depend on the context – on having a friendly environment. And our grace can be resented, judged or rejected. It can even be met with anger and violence.
Grace is also a central quality of citizens in a successful diverse democracy. It is a large part of the universal common ground on which we can stand together vs. be split by our differences. Grace counters the fear of others and the destructive behaviors that the fear of others generates
Grace fits seamlessly with the other four aspects of our larger selves
Grace, however, does not mean that we should tolerate or accept the unacceptable nor should we fail to hold people accountable for destructive actions. This is true in general, and it is particularly true for people in power – people we trust to act with character and competence.
Grace counters the gravitational pull toward dwelling in the realm of negativity, superiority, and judgment- and that gravitational pull is strong and tough to counter. But failing to counter that gravitational pull and ending up acting from our smaller selves only makes us part of the problem, not the solution.
The qualities of grace as well as behaviors that demonstrate grace help to define it as well as provide guidance in acting from our larger selves – qualities and behaviors worth stretching for. And noting the qualities and behaviors that show a lack of grace can make it very clear when we are inhabiting and acting from our larger selves vs. our smaller selves.
The goal is to build on the qualities and behaviors of grace that we currently exhibit and expand or add new qualities and behaviors. We can also focus on decreasing the existence of the qualities and behaviors that are opposite to grace. We have a surprising number of opportunities each day to do both. It is critical to remember that acting with grace is a very tough challenge and we must approach it by building on our strengths. Grace supports our larger selves, but it also requires our larger selves – the courage, perseverance, resilience and connections we have.
Please note. The qualities and behaviors listed below are examples. Feel free to add, edit, or refine the lists so that they fit you and your approach to being a person of grace.
Core Qualities and Behaviors of Grace – Grace is strength expressed gently
Characteristics and Behaviors Opposite of Grace – Diminishes self and others
For most of us acting with true grace is a stretch. Not for everyone, but for most of us. This is largely a matter of degree because most people who will genuinely take on the challenge of acting with grace consistently and in depth are already kind, patient, forgiving, and generous. But, in all honesty, grace asks us to transcend the norms and that takes commitment and discipline. It takes finding and developing grace within our larger selves.
One way to start that process is to “start small”, but start with a focus on a few specific likely scenarios and prepare ahead of time to act with grace – regardless of what is encountered.
This works over time and with experience – and it gets easier. The idea is to develop as a person of grace over time. A few people naturally come from a deep base of grace. Most of us do not and we have to consciously work at it in a disciplined fashion over time.
It works best if we do it with 1-3 other people and it works best if we remember that it’s worth it – significantly deepening our larger selves and positioning us better to be effective citizens and carrying the American experiment forward.
“You have the power to always lead with grace, even if others don't.”
Example – My Challenge
One of the biggest challenges in developing this website is the series of insights that naturally occur, and which require me to change, grow, get outside my comfort zone, etc. Realizing that grace is a foundational part of acting from our larger selves has been one of those moments. I am not a person who has developed my ability to act toward either myself or others with enough grace.
Acting consistently with grace, particularly in situations of conflict, is really tough and I will be a “work in progress” for a long time. And it will take a strong commitment along with courage, perseverance, resilience and connecting with others to be successful. I will definitely be outside my comfort zone and often disappointed by my ability to consistently demonstrate grace (toward myself or others).
Where I come up short – where my natural reactions are not those of grace – probably focus in particular in the areas of feelings of contempt/judgement, a sense of moral superiority and self-righteousness. My shortcomings also include seeing others as acting from their small selves, wanting an authoritarian to take care of them, avoiding big tough intimidating challenges and focusing on smaller challenges and bullying others (immigrants, trans kids, banning library books, etc.).
Examples of the little voices in my head (when I am paying attention):
“I can’t believe that I did that again (behaviors counter to grace). Too many of my natural reactions are lacking in grace and they are automatic. I really do need to call on my courage and pay attention even though I won’t always like what I see.”
“Yes, that was good, That’s what I want. That was harder than I thought, but it was worth the effort.”
“I can’t believe how easy it is to slip into my smaller self – guess I’m human – and I need/want to do better.”
“It’s amazing to me how important it has been to connect with others for support, challenge, and inspiration. But it only takes 2-3 people to make all the difference.”
“I am making a little headway, and some things get easier (and some don’t), so I guess I simply need to maintain my focus and ‘hold the course’.”
“But it’s hard to give up judging others (those different from me) and it’s really hard to simply extend grace rather than have people earn it. It’s really really really hard to remember that grace is about me and my willingness to give it rather than others’ somehow deserving it.”
“I have to consciously choose to get outside my comfort zone in order to get better at acting from grace and that’s always a conscious choice – although my comfort zone does grow with practice.”
